The current issue of SHAPE magazine shines a spotlight on the growing number of couples in the prime of their childbearing years who choose not to have children. Many couples who CHOOSE to remain childless talk of the criticism and stigma they feel from friends, family and strangers, for their decision.
Some experts argue that Childfree (preferred over childless) should be a respected choice. They say motherhood is the defining life experience for many women, but it’s not for everyone. Being female doesn’t mean your instincts, talents and needs destine you for maternity.
Deciding to be Childfree for Life doesn’t signal that you had an unhappy childhood. Childfree Couples are no more likely to come from dysfunctional families than those who choose parenthood. While some women avoid parenthood for fear of becoming like their mothers, many report positive mother/daughter relationships. Some prefer adult company and activities, but the majority delight in children and maintain intimacy with relatives’ and friends’ offspring. A large percentage work with kids.
Those considering the Childfree path are haunted by warnings that no one will be around to care for them in old age. But experts caution, children don’t ensure against this fate. Elderly parents often live far from their kids, who in any case are absorbed in their own lives.
The decision not to have kids is a movement that seems to be catching on. It’s called Childfree By Choice. The reasons why some couples choose not to have kids “are varied and complex,” an ABC News piece on the topic points out.
One of the married couples spotlighted in the ABC News piece called “The State of Our Unions.” Rebecca Stephens, a pharmaceutical sales representative, and Jim Stephens, a psychotherapist, had been married for 12 years and always knew they didn’t want children.
“When someone asks me if I have kids, I often feel almost apologetic when I say no, like I have to provide a ‘good enough’ reason or they’ll take pity on me and assume I can’t have children,” said Rebecca. “But I just don’t have the gene for wanting a child, and I don’t think having a child would improve our relationship.”
Rebecca went on to list what she likes about being a family of two. “Being the only people in this relationship, we are each other’s first priority, emotionally and otherwise. We are more communicative and can lavish attention on each other — something we might not be able to do if we were always focused on baths and homework. We also like that we get to live a bit more whimsically without children. We can take bigger career risks — I had my own business for a while and Jim started his own practice two years ago. We travel a lot, and we go out even more than we did when we were single.”
But the criticism from well-meaning friends and acquaintances can get pretty loud. The ABC News piece highlights the name-calling that often happens to these couples as a result of their lifestyle: “They’re told they are: Self-centered, deviant, workaholic, immature, and child-haters. “The Wikipedia entry on “Childfree” even has a section labeled “The ‘selfish’ issue”.
What do you think of the decision not to have children? Is it selfish? Or are couples who choose to be kid-free just self-aware enough to know that, for whatever reason, they’re not parent material?
