Love, what is love? Does it still exist? Or has it become extinct? I am starting to think that it doesn’t. It’s all an illusion. A sentiment Hollywood directors and mass market authors have created in the name of making block buster’s and best sellers. I think I have it all figured out. Some smart aleck conjured up this idea of perfect mind blowing, sparks flying, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t breathe without you love. Put it in a bottle, and sold myself and all the idiots of society just like me, a big love filled dream. Every time I turn on the TV all I see is stories about love. I often wonder is that the sole purpose of one’s life? Was I put on this earth just to find my soul mate, get married, and be in so called love? Or can I possibly be happy without ever finding true love? Whatever that means.
At this point in my life I am in my mid twenties and I am living out my dream. My life would be picture perfect had I not been missing the one thing the world says I need to be complete. I have great friends, a great career, I just published my first novel, All Money is Legal: Milan’s Mayhem. I have a great social life, and a closet to die for. I have it all. Except that one person I cannot live without.
It’s virtually impossible to be a single, sexy, sophisticated, and successful black women living in today’s world. I mean all the good men are either taken, gay, or not so good when you get to know them.
I have a friend who had a great relationship not so long ago. Well so she thought she did. He was everything she ever wanted; he was just what she thought she needed. They were together for three years, 5 months, and 29 days. She just knew he loved her. Grant it they had their ups and downs. They built this crazy sick bond. It was like they were addicted to each other. They’d fight but they wouldn’t stay mad for long. She just knew everything would work out and she told him by the time she was thirty she planned to be married. He agreed, he thought that was the perfect age and the perfect time for them to marry.
It felt good to witness two individuals share true love. It gave me and other single gals like me hope.
Something to strive for while I maneuvered my way through the jungle of the dating world.
I felt if my friend could find a best friend she could lean on and count on for everything, so could I.
My friend was ecstatic to know that she had someone who loved her and that one day soon she’d be married. Until she found out in order for them to get married, he’d have to get divorced. The bastard was already married. Can you believe that?
That was a low blow to say the least! Can you believe she found out behind Facebook. That darn social network. Facebook of all the things in the world. Well thank you Mark Zuckerberg. You just saved my girl from a life time of misery, lies, and double lives.
Please believe she’s not the only one of us to come across such betrayal. I have experienced more than my fair share of liars, cheaters, losers, mistreat-ers , and so forth. I too experienced a similar betrayal in my love life. Someone I thought I knew, I had no clue about. After four years, countless tears, and a baby that didn’t come from me, I found myself drowning in the sea of betrayal.
But please believe I didn’t take it lightly. It felt like a knife had been jabbed thru my heart, someone cut out a big chunk, turned me on my stomach, and left me there to die. It was devastating. I must have turned the “ waiting to exhale” soundtrack on repeat, locked myself in a dark room, and cried all day and night for three days straight.
Well when I came out that dark room I vowed to never let myself feel that pain again. The problem is now I can’t feel anything for anyone. It’s hard to let a man get close to me. Everyone I think I want when I look closer, I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I have come across some men that are good, but just not good enough for me. Maybe, I want too much. I mean it’s not like I want it all. I want the basics. I want a real man who will treat me like a queen, buy nice gifts on my birthday, send flowers out the blue sky to surprise me, pick up his own drawers off the floor, put the toilet seat down after he pisses, offer to pay a bill if he staying over too often, put gas in my car if he asks to drive it. No scratch that he won’t be driving my car, he better have his own. Anyway back to my list. He should be educated and/or successful, caring, kind, confident, he should be willing to commit, faithful, faith based, loving, and most importantly honest. That’s the big one honest. How hard it is to find a man that is honest. I can find a man who has every other quality on my list but when it comes to the H word, how does my home girl say it : “ that’s dead”. Yeah finding an honest man to be faithful and true, is dead. I’m starting to believe it will never happen for me. I feel like dude in the Chris Brown song: “ F love, I’m tired of trying.”
What’s the big deal about finding love anyway? With a fifty percent divorce rate, obviously love doesn’t last. I have a 1 in 2 chance of finding “the one“, and then deciding later on, after we buy a house, co sign cars, and procreate, that he really wasn’t all I thought he’d turn out to be.
I don’t know what is wrong with the world. Why is being in a long term relationship so hard? Why is it that people can’t come together and really take the vow to be together seriously? Deep inside I hope that true love exist for me. Looking around it seems the odds are against the single and refusing to settle ladies of the world. Thus I am not sure if love is everlasting, or never lasting. But I am determined to find out.
Maybe love hasn’t happen because I have been looking in all the wrong places. This year I am going to explore my horizons and keep an open mind while dating. Never, will I compromise my standards and expectations on the basic common sense qualities a man should possess. However I just might open myself up to a new demographic of men, if you know what I mean. In case you don’t know stay tuned. Next week I will fill you in on exactly how I plan to find a man in 2011!
Koya L author All Money is Legal, ( www.literarydiamond.com) Journalist BedroomBodyMagazine.com
