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With Oprah preparing to say farewell to the ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show,” she gave the fans a glimpse into her personal life as she opened up in the new issue of O: The Oprah Magazine. For the first time she opens her personal diaries to share a secret she’s been keeping since she was 15 years old.

Apparently Oprah has never been good at relationships. She refers to her twenties as “my 3-D years, when I was delusional, in denial and damaged.” Of one particular relationship from 1981, she writes, “I want to die… I wish for something to put an end to this madness.”

Check out the rest of this story by picking up the latest issue of O: The Oprah Magazine.